Bitch Gets Half...

By Andrew Birnbaum

Some law school students crudely refer to Community Property class as “Bitch Gets Half.” Inevitably, the guys who use this term marry women who earn significantly more than they do, revealing the bitch reference to be not so much anti-female as self-deprecating.

American taxpayers are facing the equivalent of a 700 billion dollar levy, to bail out the wealthy ruling class who made a healthy profit destroying our economy (the money went somewhere-who got the bonuses, who earned the interest, who made money trading those “exotic” investments we hear so much about?) Most of us did not share in the obscene profits earned during the Bush presidency, yet when the bill arrived this past week the government did not hesitate to send it our way. Bush might as well have taken 700 billion dollars from us the day he was sworn in as President and re-distributed it to the rich. The effect is the same. We make a payment without receiving any benefit, and the rich get bonuses and stock profits. If only there were something we could do.

Oh wait. There is. There are a lot of us…And we care about our spouses, our children, our neighbors. We are a community. We are people and we are valuable.

So the extremely wealthy should take note. We are your firefighters, your fruit-pickers, your custodians, your gardeners. We are your children’s caregivers and teachers. We are your tenants, your borrowers, your customers. You did not obtain financial success without us, nor did you do it in spite of us; you did it with our help. And with the help of the soil, water, oil, rainforests and other resources which belong to all of us. All things are interconnected. Think of it this way-we have been in a marriage together.

And by profiting wildly off of our grossly underpaid labor, abusing our planet, polluting the water we all drink and the air we all breath, destroying the world economy, and adding insult to injury by using our assets to rescue your own pathetic asses, you have betrayed your obligation to us. You have committed the economic equivalent of infidelity. You have placed your money in someone else’s bank, all the while continuing to take the money out of ours. There is a word for what comes next…divorce. And pursuant to community property laws, we are entitled to one-half of everything you earned during our relationship. You could not have done it without us.

My humble suggestion is anyone with more than 50 million dollars in total assets be required to give society half their net worth. You get to keep a minimum of 25 million dollars. After that, see above title. I understand the rich will need to liquidate significant assets. So what? How many people are losing their homes to foreclosure? I doubt the rich will have to move in with their in-laws.

The 50 million dollar figure is obviously arbitrary and subject to popular adjustment. I recognize and honor that many wealthy people spend their lives helping the less fortunate; that is why my plan lets them keep at least 25 million dollars. An obscenely large amount of money. The fact this plan would recoup hundreds of millions of dollars from so many individuals only shows how inequitable our society has become. Time for a change. Big time.

Some will say this proposal shows a striking misunderstanding of economics, and would only result in further economic decline. Oh really? We tried listening to the phenomenally wealthy economics “experts.” And now we are left with a 700 billion dollar bill we are told we must pay. We listened to you and you failed us. America does not like failure. Time to give someone else’s ideas a try. No economic surge for you. Next!

I do not understand why the idea of rich people giving up their assets is so unthinkable. How many parents have sacrificed their children in Iraq since Bush became President? How many people have worked forty or more hours a week but lived without healthcare, or without food or shelter? How many veterans have received insufficient medical care after giving so much for this country? How many soldiers were sent into harms way without appropriate body armor while the rich received tax cuts? That was, quite literally, class warfare. My proposal is just common sense.

Obscenely wealthy people, meet exorbitant national debt, runaway inflation, crumbling infrastructure, inferior schools, brave but insufficiently protected soldiers. Improvement is desperately needed, which means money is desperately needed, and you have the money. A parent losing a child is unthinkable. You living on 25 million dollars is not. Besides, you did not hesitate to look to us when you needed 700 billion dollars to “save” the world economy. So we’ll look to you to fix some bridges, update some schools, and get some veterans the healthcare, social services and body armor they deserve.

My advice: don’t be sorry for your “loss.” Be grateful for all the years you had more than you deserved while other people survived on so little. Be thankful for the time you have had us as your spouse, doing the work you would not deign to do, freeing you up to pursue other interests. But those days are now over. It is time for a divorce. And you know what that means (see title).

Pay up.

Andrew Birnbaum @ shenluk.blogspot.com